Publishers
Weekly chooses only a small percentage of the books
that are published each season. Recently, they reviewed
Tim's newest book,available November 1, 2005. Order
your copy now.
-Bethany, $12.99 paper 224 p. ISBN 0-7642-0131-x
The
PW review said:
Smith,
a family coach and conference speaker diagnosis hurry
and stress as the two greatest problems facing the contemporary
American family. A generation ago the latchkey kids
was the poster child of neglect, he writes. Now it might
be the overscheduled child, who never rests, but is
shuttled from activity to activity. After laying out
reasons why we rush through life, he prescribes some
solutions that are solid, if not earth -shattering.
Revive family dinner. Encourage free, unstructured play.
Take time to focus on each child one-to-one. Keep the
Sabbath. Other suggestions are more unusual and fresh,
such as giving each child a biblical blessing like Jewish
fathers give their children. He concludes with offering
tips on how to relate to the various pace-preferences
within a family.
What
are others saying about Tim's new book? Endorsements
Connecting
With Your Kids
How Fast Families Can Move From
Chaos to Closeness
Timothy
Smith
Connecting
with Your Kids challenges the frantic pace of families
and offers practical solutions to slowing down and developing
the perfect pulse for your family.
Need:
Families are becoming increasingly busier, in most cases
this adds to stress and puts a strain on relationships;
but some active families have discovered a rhythmic
pace a heartbeat that works for them. Connecting
is a stethoscope to listen to each individual pulse
and develop a cadence as a family that benefits every
family member.
Contents
Foreword
Start
Here: (Pages: 1-3)
I.
Breathless Pounding
Chapters
1.
Restless Families (4-16)
2. Why Do We Rush? (17-30)
3.
On The Run (37-54)
II.
Check Your Pulse
4.
The Heart of the Matter (55-73)
5.
Turning Your Hearts Toward Each Other (74-94)
III.
Discover Your HeartPrint
6.
The Four Heartprints (95-108)
7.
Parenting a Cruiser (109-113)
8.
A Long Walk (114-121)
9.
Running Crazy (122-129)
10.
The Biathlete (130-139)
IV.
Making Your Heartprint Work for Your Family
11.
Making Time (140-160)
12.
Malibu Marsha (161-166)
13. Kingdom Kids (167-182)
14. The Refreshing Family (183-202)
15. Family Heartprint (203-224)
Appendix
I.
Hang time:
20 Ideas for No Agenda Time with children at each stage
of development: preschool;
elementary;
middle school and high school. (Could also be used for
sidebars throughout the book)
II.
Heartprint Assessment and Diagnostic tools
III.
Tips on hosting a book group
IV.
Resources: Books, Magazines, Websites, Videos,
Audio, etc.
Order your copy now from Amazon.
Connecting
With Your Kids
Restless
Families
Chapter One (Not the Final Draft)
You might be a fast family if -
- You've tried to enter your password on your microwave.
- You have fifteen phone numbers to reach a family
of three.
- You call your son's cell and leave a voice mail,
"It's time to eat." And he text messages
you back, from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
- Cleaning up the dining room means getting the
fast food bags out of your SUV.
- Your daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies via
her website.
- Family Dinner is saying grace after you order
in the drive-thru, but before you pay at the first
window.
Congratulations! You aren't alone. Most of us are feeling
hurried. Living at a fast pace isn't necessarily bad,
but feeling stressed is. More families report that they
feel restless. 1. But I have liberating news, Good parenting
does not have to be exhausting! In fact, good parenting
may involve doing LESS not more!
CARMEN'S DISCOVERY
I was presenting my seminar, The Relaxed Parent
to a lively group near Tampa, Florida, during the break;
one of the mom's introduced herself.*
I wanted the best for my son and my daughter. I wanted
to give them everything, especially the things that
I didn't have as a child. Carmen brushed her perfectly
coiffed black hair back behind her ear, revealing a
brilliant diamond stud earring. When they were in preschool
I learned about all these enrichment opportunities from
the other mothers. They couldn't believe I didn't have
them signed up; so I quickly got them enrolled in dance,
art lessons, karate, soccer and gymnastics. The pressure
was immense. For some reason, we all believed that if
some enrichment activities were good for our kids, then
more enrichment activities would be better.
"I know what you mean," I nodded in
agreement as I sipped on my soda, "It's so easy
to get into the good parents are busy trap. What did
you do?"
"With one child it wasn't too bad, but with
Alexis' demanding schedule added to Jacob's, it got
to be too hectic. Something had to give, and it was
my marriage. Thankfully, I was able to talk with my
husband about it. You know, I don't think our kids appreciated
being that enriched. We decided that they only needed
one activity at a time, so we narrowed it down to karate
for Jacob and dance for Alexis. We now have a sane schedule
and a stronger marriage."
"What do you do with your extra time?"
"Twice a week I organize a pick-up soccer
game with the kids in the neighborhood at our park.
Girls and boys play together. There isn't a need for
uniforms, seventy-five dollar fees, referees or practice.
All we need is a soccer ball!"
"That is a super idea. Would you share it
with the rest of the parents after the break?"
"Sure, Id be glad to. I've enjoyed your
seminar so far. Its encouraging to discover that you
can be relaxed and
be a parent. I'm delighted to learn how to carve out
time for my children to be children."
"You are courageous, Carmen. Many parents
feel the pressure from other parents. They are afraid
of the criticism they might receive, What? You are pulling
Jimmy out of hockey, are you trying to handicap him!
But pulling back doesn't mean we are losing anything,
just being strategic."
After Carmen shared her story, I continued the
theme with the parents, Busyness does not make a more
capable child. A child does not always need more activity
or more enrichment; but one thing he does need more
of you! You are what your child wants.
Not karate, music lessons, football or cheerleading.
Try smiling at your daughter when she enters the room.
Do your eyes light up when you pick up your son from
school? Our children need our time and attention more
than they need structured activities. Solid family bonds
are the most important factor in a child's life. You,
yes YOU! May be the most enriching aspect of your child's
life. Don't sell yourself short. A generation ago the
latchkey kid was the poster child for neglect, now it
might be the over-scheduled child, who never rests,
but is shuttled from activity to activity.
Sometimes, doing more for our child may mean
doing less.
HECTIC
HOMES
If you have kids, you are probably tired. I know,
insights into the obvious, but research backs me up
on this one. The Gallup Poll2
discovered that in families with young children, stress
from being hurried is as common as ground-up Cheerios
in the carpet.
Four
in ten Americans indicate they have a limited amount
of time to relax, including fourteen percent who say
they never have time to relax. Only three in ten people
feel they have adequate relaxation time. Sixty-five
percent of working mothers report that they never or
have little time to relax. Unmarried with children and
one income with young kids also report at over sixty
percent that they don't have enough relaxation time.
Clearly,
working moms are the most stressed. Only nine percent
of them say they have enough time to relax. Working
dads aren't too far behind, with fifty-five percent
saying they have little or no time to relax. Children
take a lot of our time and energy. Young children, in
particular, drain their parents spare time.
Most
of today's families with school-age children are incredibly
busy. Well-intentioned parents act like chauffeurs shuttling
their kids from piano, to Scouts, to soccer, then to
church youth activities. Family life often revolves
around these activities, rather than the activities
fitting around the family's schedule. We used to be
able to count on Sundays as Sabbath, with no practices,
games or events scheduled. Now its seen as just another
weekend day compressed with all forms of activities,
religious and secular.
Today's
homes are hectic because our children's activities compete
with each other. One mom told me with a wry smile, Its
a good thing I'm not divorced, I couldn't get these
kids to all of their games on a weekend. It takes Bob
and I all of Saturday and Sunday just to cover the bases;
and even then, sometimes I have to ask a friend to help.
Have
you noticed that each coach or activity leader thinks
that her sport or training is the most important and
that it must be given top priority? Wouldn't it be refreshing
to hear a coach say, "Hey, come to practice when
you can, after all, it's just baseball, and Hammy is
only seven? He will have plenty of time to work on his
skills of the game. All were are trying to do now is
make it fun."
Facing
these competing requirements, family traditions like
dinners, Sunday barbeques, weekend trips and vacations
are the first things to be sacrificed for the pursuit
of excellence in our competitive culture.
The
result? Hectic and under-connected families.
Its
ironic. I have met dozens of parents that feel overwhelmed,
but still don't sense that they are doing enough for
their kids. We will explore why we cram our lives with
so much activity in the next few chapters, but first
I want to make sure you understand the effect that a
hurried lifestyle is having on children and parents.
HURRIED HEARTS
First,
we learned that cholesterol the fat that is in much
of the foods that we eat, is bad for us. Then were told,
No, it isn't. Then it was reported that some cholesterol
is good and some is bad. This isn't a diet or health
book (though we will discuss food and our hearts). I
don't know everything about cholesterol, but I do know
that the things I like the most bacon, donuts, fried
chicken and mashed potatoes swimming in gravy are never
on the Doctors Recommended List of Foods To Gorge Yourself
With. It seems that if we eat such fatty foods, it tends
to clog up the arteries and slow down the effectiveness
of the heart.
The
heart is basically a pump. Bad cholesterol is like sludge
caught in the chambers, restricting the flow of the
pump. Our too-busy lives are like bad cholesterol. They
may be tasty, like a Krispy Kreme ® donut, but if
we cram our lives with them, it can be unhealthy.
When
we are hurried, it has a negative impact on at least
three areas of our life. Rushed living is clogging our
lives and robs us of enjoyment, effectiveness and energy.
Enjoyment
Allen
settled back in my office couch with his wife Elaine
next to him. He cleared his throat, and continued, "I
am so upset with him, but I don't know what to do about
it. He seems like he only thinks about himself."
"Oh,
that's not true, Allen," Elaine said. "He'd
love to spend more time with you. He's just being a
typical twelve-year old." She looked to me for
confirmation.
"Cody
does sound fairly normal," I concurred, "He
seems to look for ways to spend more time with you.
He mentioned the paint balling, motorcycles, and body
boarding as activities he'd like to do with you."
"Yeah,
I know," Allen looked down at his shoes, "but
I work such long hours. I leave at six and I don't get
home until after eight, and I'm just wiped out. It takes
energy to relate to Cody, everything he wants to do
is some extreme sport!"
"Sounds
like it," I smiled at Allen.
"He
returned the smile; then, The kid has every toy imaginable
snowboard, body board, two motorcycles, scooter, mountain
bike, go-cart, basketball hoop, swimming pool, video
games, and computer. I don't understand why he isn't
satisfied. I didn't have any of that stuff when I was
his age."
"Does
he have friends?"
"Yes,
he has lots of friends from school and sports,"
affirmed Elaine, "one close friend, Jimmy lives
right down the street."
Speaking
of Jimmy, Allen said, "On Saturday, I was trying
to do some work on my home computer, and Cody kept interrupting
me. Finally, I told him to go to Jimmy's and he said
he was too tired to walk and asked for a ride. I thought
he should get the exercise, so I told him no. I still
can't figure out why he didn't take one of the five
motorized toys he has in the garage to Jimmy's."
"All
I could think of at this point was five motorized
toys! Why does a twelve year-old need five! I could
only think of four: the two motorcycles, the go-cart,
and the gas-powered scooter, but what was the fifth?
What could a seventh-grader legally drive?"
"Perhaps
Cody wanted you to drive him to Jimmy's because he wanted
to be with you?" I said.
A
puzzled look spread across Allen's face, "Do you
think so?"
"In
fact, he was buggin' you to spend time with him on a
Saturday. That's why he was reluctant to go to Jimmy's.
He probably sees him all week, on weekends, I'm guessin'
he'd like to be with you."
"That's
what I've been telling you, Allen," Elaine added.
"I
know you work long hours to provide for your family,
Allen, but sometimes they don't need more stuff they
need YOU."
He
picked at a tiny spot on his pants leg, then,"We
have a garage full of toys that we bought to do together,
I even have my own motorcycle; but it seems like all
that stuff doesn't bring me and Cody together. I never
have the time to use it. We haven't gone motorcycle
riding since last year; he goes with Jimmy and his dad."
"Sounds
like your busy-ness is robbing you of enjoying life,
for yourself and with your son."
"Yeah,
it is."
Allen
offers a compelling illustration on how hurried lives
miss out on enjoyment. His work was demanding and required
long hours, plus a one-hour commute. His accusation
of Cody only thinking about himself is accurate. Cody
learned it from his dad. Allen wasn't happy with the
accouterments of success: fashionable clothes; a luxury
car; dining out; high-end vacations and toys for Cody.
None were bringing him enjoyment.
You
know you are too busy when the things you are working
so hard to attain fail to bring you enjoyment once you
have them.
Effectiveness
I
watched the Super Bowl yesterday and it reminded me
of our national obsession with winning. To get there,
teams needed to win the most games during the regular
football season; then win their conference; then win
the Super bowl, AND THEN they could be called winners.
The winning players walk away from the Super Bowl with
a lot more money than the losers.
But
are they really losers?
I
think we need to redefine our definition of success.
We need to reconsider our obsession with winning and
all that it takes to earn the label of winner.
Perhaps, like Allen, we need to acknowledge that success
at work doesn't mean success at home.
Are
our enormous aspirations really what are best for our
families and us? Is it worth the cost? I like what Dr.
Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise write:
We
sure do love our winners here in America. We clap hard
for sports heroes, our business moguls, and our entertainment
celebrities. In our own lives, we push hard and place
a high premium on success. It may be, though, that our
sky-high hopes and dreams pitch the path to happiness
too perilously steep; many of us cannot climb it without
great anxiety and distress. While some people unquestionably
thrive on the challenge of working hard to get to the
top, a larger percentage likely would find that, in
the end, a less pressured life is more meaningful and
gratifying. It is true that great cultural rewards come
with reaching the summit. But striving for it full time
and that's often what it takes may throw our lives way
out of balance.3
Success
may have more to do with effectively balancing the demands
and priorities of life than simply winning. I think
a single mom who balances the demands of working, caring
for her children, maintaining a household, and still
taking time to relax on weekends by going to the park
with her kids, is a huge success. She has learned to
manage life, rather than just compete at life.
Energy
Frantic
lives rob us of precious energy. Some of us felt overwhelmed
at the start, just the thought of becoming a parent
was draining!
But
now that you are a parent, are you pacing yourself for
the long haul? Being a parent isn't a hundred meter
sprint, its a marathon, complete with hills and valleys
and unexpected detours.
Some
of us are breathlessly sprinting, with sweat dripping
into our eyes, blurring our vision. Where is the
finish line? I didn't realize it was going to be this
long!
Our
current frantic parenting is a product of our age engineered
in a high-tech environment with exacting standards.
Our fears and needs are exploited by savvy marketers
who peddle the latest must-have trends. The parenting
popes publish the must-dos on websites, magazines,
and books. The pop psych gurus admonish us with the
latest must-be hype from their TV and radio studios.
Everything is designed to communicate three simple words
to parents, A little more.
