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1. Don’t be too easy on your kid.
   In an era of permissiveness it’s easy to spoil our kids. How can we help them learn responsibility? A CNN poll revealed that two out of three parents believe their kids are spoiled, and eighty percent believe that the problem is worse that it was a decade ago. Here are a few suggestions on how to say NO and not feel guilty:

• When your 10-month old cries at 2 AM, and he is dry and you just fed him at midnight; let him cry himself to sleep in his crib. Close the door.
• Don’t always rescue your child from failure or pain. Some of the best lessons in life are learned from discomfort.
• Expect your child to help with household chores. Don’t make it too easy on your children and they are likely to learn responsibility.

2. Be clear about what’s important to you and what you expect.
   With all of the competing choices and voices, sometime it’s difficult to know what to do with your kids.

• When it comes to discipline, define your top three values or virtues. Discuss these with your spouse and make sure you are in agreement. Remember the wise warning, “A home divided against itself is doomed.”
• On a piece of paper, record those top three values in the first column; in the second column define the preferred behavior or rule; and in the third column describe a positive and negative consequence.
• If responsibility is the virtue, then in column two you could put “Puts bike away when finished.” In column three the positive consequence is “Gets to ride bike” and the negative is “No bike for two days.”
• Help your child see the connection between values, behavior and consequences.

3. Learn to respond rather than react to your child.

• Sooner or later your child may react when she doesn’t get her way and yell, “You’re stupid!” Or, “I hate you!” or, “You’re the meanest parent!” Or worse.
  
• At that point, you are to calmly and quietly repeat, “This normal, this is normal, this is just temporary.” And not react and scream back, because that would be immature.
  
• When our kids challenge us and say things that hurt; remember that these outbursts are signs of immaturity and impulsiveness. If our kids didn’t react with these obnoxious eruptions, they would not need parents. When they lose control, it is absolutely necessary that we don’t.
  
• Remember to not take their tantrums too seriously, but coolly respond with, “So what? You still need to do what I’ve asked you to do.” A wise proverb says, “A soft answers turns away anger.” Focus on your child’s behavior and obedience not the emotion in the heat of the battle.
  

4. The best way to get respect from your child is to be consistent with the rules and committed to the relationship.

• When parents tell me that they want their child to “respect them,” I tell them to give it up. When we focus on the vague emotion of respect, we usually don’t make any progress with a child, but if we deal with obedience and behavior, we can get somewhere.
  
• Once a parent starts spouting the "respect" and "bad attitude" lecture, the relationship with their child is destined to become worse! One of the reasons why, is that kids aren’t always able to change their attitude, because so many other factors may be affecting it. They might be upset about something that happened at recess or on the soccer field.
  
• So focus on obedience and don’t worry about their attitude and respect for a while. In time, you will get compliance and a better attitude. In other words, you will wind up with respect.

5. Model for your kids the qualities you want them to have.
   Everyday we make choices. Decisions that can make us stand out from the crowd, if we make them with courage and wisdom. Our kids are watching us as we make these decisions and they pick up what they see us model. For example:

   - Returning the extra dollar that the cashier gave me by mistake.
   - Driving courteously and cautiously.
   - Paying full price for my child when he no longer qualifies for the kid’s menu.
   - And following the rules of a game or sport and not cheating.

   Parents with character are distinctive from the herd because they know and do the right thing in the face of pressures to do otherwise. Their character is shaped and strengthened by their courage, day-by-day, one choice at a time.

• And their children notice. If you want a child with strong character and values, remember: Model virtues; train skills.

6. Expect teamwork from your kids.
   Do your kids ever complain about having to do chores around the house? My guess is that they do. What’s a parent to do?
   

• Make a list of all the chores that need to be done, including the ones you do.
• Record how much time each chore takes. Most families have over 20 hours of work per week just to keep things going.
• Include washing clothes, folding them, putting them away, and all the time that goes into menu planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning up the kitchen.
• Call a family meeting and go through the list.
• Help your children see that you are being reasonable and that everyone needs to do his or her part; tell them, “Families have members, not guests.”
• “This isn’t a country club where one person can lounge; we all have to contribute.”
• Then assign the chores to each family member for the month.

7. Become The Relaxed Parent by helping your child do more, as you do less.
   

• You can start this even when your children are little.
• Instead of putting the toys away for your kids, you can ask them to do so when they’re done playing with them.
• And, when they get to be a little older, show them how to pick up their room.
• When they start school, have them plan what they’ll wear the night before. I discovered this principle when our daughter regularly complained about how I made her sack lunch. After several complaints, I retired. I told her, “It’s now your job.” And I showed her how to make her own lunch.
• Don’t do for your children what they can do for themselves. It’ll help them grow up.

8. You are what your child wants.
   It’s easy to assume that our child wants stuff–toys, clothes, new technology, etc. But survey after survey indicate that we–the parent–is what our child wants. They want to spend time with us–play with us and connect. The other stuff is a substitute for what they really want.

Studies have consistently shown that the more actively involved a father is with the raising of his children, the more successful those children are likely to become–academically, emotionally and socially. Dads matter! Even to older kids.

• In spite of the common misperception, seven out of ten teens would like to spend more time with their fathers.
• There is no time of a child’s development when dad is dispensable; but as they get bigger sometimes we dads back off our involvement and expressing affection. This is a mistake, because this is when your child needs it the most.
• Your daughter needs to know that she is valuable in her daddy’s eyes.
• Your son is desperate to know his father’s heart.
• Whether you are a mom or a dad, remember–YOU are what your child wants.

9. Creatively develop your own family identity and traditions.
   

• We live in a drive-thru culture that is obsessed with haste and the "latest thing." We like things made hot and quick and exactly as we ordered; but raising children doesn’t work well at microwave speed. That’s why we need meaningful family traditions.
• I’m not talking about boring rituals, which produce yawns and resentment; I’m talking about enjoyable activities that we do as a family to affirm worth; strengthen identity and communicate values.
• As we develop traditions that are unique to our family, we communicate to our children that they are worth the effort.
• We are different from other families; and that we may believe things that others don’t. We are able to communicate and strengthen boundaries that set us apart.
• Family traditions help our children know who they are and what is important to believe. They give our children courage to stand alone when they need to.